took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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