As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
