awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
