you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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