so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
