so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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