I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
