My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
