video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
