i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
