Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
