We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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