He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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