We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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