We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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