U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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