you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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