i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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