i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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