I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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