Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
