His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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