he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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