WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize