I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
