I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
