And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
