I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found the puke drawer
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
