u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
