I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
