Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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