hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
