I only kidnapped one of them. chill
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
