I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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