Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
