please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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