I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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