oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
