I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We got so high we made milksteak
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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