I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
