I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
