yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
