I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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