No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
is it fun? or sober?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
