some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
