My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize