Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
