The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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