Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
