I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
