Can Purell be used as lube?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
