Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
