I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize