Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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