I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
