FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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