we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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