Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
