After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
