Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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