I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
