I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
