Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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