watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize